Humour Etc.

The elk who loved cows (too much).

From the Huffington Post (and posted elsewhere):

100 Mile House Lovestruck Elk Stripped Of Crown, Mating Partner

100 MILE HOUSE, B.C. - Somewhere east of this Cariboo community wanders an enormous bull elk, stripped of its crown of six-point antlers and a misplaced attraction for one of Greg Messner's cows.

The elk, a loner that had been turning up at the century-old 100 Mile Ranch to check out Messner's herd for three years, was relocated earlier this month for its own safety and for the probity of the cow.

"He stuck around for a couple of days the first year," said Messner, whose wife has had the ranch in her family for its entire history.

"Then last year, he was just hanging around again for a couple of weeks and not really doing anything, just hanging around and looking at the cows. This year, he decided to go for it."

Messner said the elk's visits have been a curiosity. Elk are so rare in the area that Messner and anyone else who stopped by to have a look at the impressive creature in the pasture simply call it The Elk.

"It's kind of like the Queen," Messner explained. "There's only one of them."

This year, the beast decided to stay a while and ended up mingling in the herd for about two months during its rutting season.

One of Messner's cows was also in heat and the pair became a freakish but constant spectacle.

"If you were there watching, it would be an X-rated movie. Several times a day," Messner said through a chuckle.

"He was pretty aggressive. He'd put his head down with his great big antlers and poke the little calves and push them away and send them for a little ride once in a while and flick them around."

Messner estimated the elk at about six feet tall and four feet wide and weighing about half a tonne.

He said he finally called a biologist at the University of Northern British Columbia after inquiries from neighbours about whether his cow could have been impregnated by the elk.

"He had a huge rack, but he was too well-endowed by chromosomes," Messner said.

Messner was told an elk has eight more chromosomes than a cow, making the likelihood of a hybrid calf a near impossibility.

But it wasn't the amorous nature of the elk that finally prompted Messner to break up what he called "the harem" in his pasture.

The ranch is bordered by the highway and cars were stopping as passengers tried to get a look at the amorous ungulate, which from time to time would hop from one side of the pasture fence to the other.

Messner said the final straw was when hunters turned up, the lure of a six-point rack potentially dangerously enticing.

"Trucks were pulling over and people were watching this poor elk through the scope of their gun and people were doing U-turns on the highway. It was becoming a real dangerous situation."

Messner called in the conservation officer. He, the officer and two RCMP officers sedated the elk and removed its antlers to make it less appealing to hunters and less of a threat to the cows should it decide to return.

The elk was then loaded into a truck and taken about 20 kilometres out of town, towards the mountains.

"I kind of think he will be back next year," said Messner.

Bodyform and Richard.

Bodyform is a UK company that makes menstruation products. Their PR department (agency?) put together a clever marketing campaign playing on social media and men's attitudes towards menstruation.

A supposed Facebook post from Richard Neill:

On October 8th Richard Neill sent this Facebook post to Bodyform. See the response from Bodyforms' CEO Caroline Williams here: http://youtu.be/Bpy75q2DDow

And the response from Bodyform:

Hi Richard. We loved your post on our Facebook page. (https://www.facebook.com/Bodyform/posts/10151186887359324). We are always grateful for input from our users, but your comment was particularly poignant. If Facebook had a "love" button, we'd have clicked it. But it doesn't. So we've made you a video instead. Unfortunately Bodyform doesn't have a CEO.


Mrs. Brown.

Posted in the comments section by Aubrey (thanks!). NSFW language!

Canada & USA Calling, Exclusive Live DVD Back Out Of Mrs Brown's Vault But For How Long??? http://shop.mrsbrownsboys.com/store/product/52/For-the-Love-of-Mrs-Brown-NTSC/ With a phenomenal response on You Tube of over 3.2 Million hits and a huge demand from our fans - Finally for the first time ever the 4th Play in the Mrs.


Another public service announcement - dick pics.

Posted in the comment section this week by a past student (thanks!): 

Director -- Heath Cullens Written by -- Kelley Robins Hicks, Stephanie Yeager Producers -- Heath Cullens, Kelley Robins Hicks (exec), Stacey Storey, Stephanie Yeager Starring in order of appearance-- Laura Spencer (Mad Love) Artemis Pebdani (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) Nadine Velazquez (My Name is Earl, The League) Kelley Robins

Gilbert Gottfried reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

I feel like I should save all of the Fifty Shades of Grey posts until the section on kinks and paraphilias, but there are too many hilarious spin-offs to wait. I mentioned Fifty Shades of Grey in class a couple of weeks ago. It started as Twighlight BDSM fan fiction, and became a viral phenomenon. It was eventually picked up by Random House and has sold almost 50 million copies worldwide. This is despite the horrifically bad writing and completely inaccurate depiction of BDSM. The novel has been credited with rekindling the sex drives of many, many middle-aged women (these anecdotes come from sex and relationship therapists).

This clip was passed along by Conrado (thanks!). It's full of NSFW language and is loud!

If you like punishment, you'll like this video. Check out Gilbert's latest project, GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S AMAZING COLOSSAL PODCAST, named one of iTunes' "Best Podcasts of 2014!" Includes one-of-a-kind interviews with showbiz icons Adam West, Henry "The Fonz" Winkler, Micky Dolenz, Billy West, Roger Corman, "Weird" Al Yankovic and MORE!


Sex ed gone wrong.

From Reddit via BuzzFeed:

26 Ridiculous Sex-Ed Fails

New York high school students learn in sex ed that the definition of "vagina" is "sperm depository" and that gay people don't exist according to a new study [PDF] by the New York Civil Liberties Union. The students also learn that if you have sex you WILL get an STD. The NYCLU report came out this month, but months before all this a Reddit user outed her New York school — saying the same thing. Here is that original Reddit post and 25 other examples of sex ed fails.

1. "What are the two uses of the vagina?"

2. The clitoris is for peeing.

3. "Use the pull-out method."

See the other 23 here.

Male body enhancing garments.

No longer just for women. From Buzzfeed:

Have Male Enhancing Body Garments Finally Hit The Mainstream?

Remember a time when mirdles, Manx, and butt pads were simply a lifestyle story that no one actually took seriously? No longer a niche item, they are now sold on major websites and retail stores at reasonable prices. Here are 14 ways to jazz up your junk.

And an example:

6. The "Original" Ball Lifter®

From the description: "A soft cloth elastic band rests under your balls, lifting them up and forward giving you a fuller package. The best part is it's all you!" This is like the male equivalent of a push-up balconette bra.

They cost between $18-20. (Link is NSFW!!)

Go see the other 13 garments here.

Man busted for having sex with couch in public.

From the Huffington Post:

Gerard Streator, Wisconsin Man, Had Sex With Couch: Cops

For this guy, being forced to sleep on the couch might not be much of a punishment.

Police in Wisconsin have accused a 46 year old man of enjoying curbside sex with a discarded sofa.

Waukesha Patch reports that an off-duty officer was jogging when he spotted Gerard Streator allegedly doing the deed with the furniture. Authorities charged Streator on Thursday with one count of lewd and lascivious behavior, which carries a maximum of nine months in prison.

According to a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, officer Ryan Edwards said Streator "had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”

So much for resting in the love seat.

When Edwards approached Streator, the suspect allegedly fled. Police arrested him the next day at the hotel where he works.

Streator's motive remains unclear, but D Listed did offer one possible suggestion.

"You know what they say, more cushion for the pushin'."

Fifty Shades of Eh.

This will only be funny to you if you've read, or know of, 50 Shades of Grey.

By Scott Feschuk for Macleans magazine:

The Fifty Shades of Grey book series, about a young woman who signs a contract to enter into a submissive sexual relationship with a manipulative billionaire, has been described by critics as good news for publishing and bad news for words. It’s spawned its own line of lingerie, bedding and S&M-themed accessories. The thing is such a gold mine that scoundrels are cranking out quick knock-offs—a reprehensible act, in that it may cut into the sales of my own.

Luckily, my work occupies a very specific niche. Welcome to an excerpt from my highly erotic—and profoundly Canadian—new novel, Fifty Shades of Eh.

•••

He pulls the leather strap tight against my left wrist. I wince.

“Sorry,” Christian says. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’ll loosen it a bit.”

“Don’t trouble yourself.”

“Honestly, it’ll just take a minute.”

“It’s fine, Christian.”

I gaze upon him with my intrepid eyes. My mouth, which is also intrepid, curls into a sly smile. “Did you remember the clamps?” I ask.

“Canadian Tire was closed. But I found a bunch of clothespins in the garage.”

I swoon. My breathing quickens. My heart beats a frantic tattoo as I surrender myself to the anticipation oflanguid erotic pleasures and several hours of splinter removal. Why, oh why have I fallen for someone so Canadian—so okay looking, so gainfully employed, so . . . nice?

“I need you to fill out some paperwork before we go any further.” His face impassive, Christian hands me a single shiny sheet. He draws close—so tantalizingly near that I can sense his energy, his essence, his Head & Shoulders—and whispers: “No more than three toppings, or they charge extra.”

He hums a few bars of Nickelback and I’m helpless, trussed up and pressed into his brother’s old futon from university. Christian sighs.

“I’m damaged, Ana. You just don’t get it. I was born to a successful pediatrician . . .”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so—”

“. . . in Winnipeg.”

“Oh. Oh, Christian. I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry.”

There is a pause.

“Sorry,” I say.

My intrepid eyes cast around Christian’s Rec Room of Pain and across his many instruments of torture: the ball gag, the whip, the black gadget that with the press of a single button turns on the cruelest device of all: the television. Sportsnet, TSN . . . Oh Christian, stop teasing and turn it to CBC for the Leafs game! The chronic incompetence . . . the annual ritual of false hope . . . such delicious pain!

My tongue tentatively prods his and they join together in a slow, erotic dance. A tongue dance.

Blissful moments pass. Are they minutes? Hours? A dollop of something cold lands along the intrepid curve of my hip—splash!—and I am alert again. My body is electric, pulse pounding, skin alive with sensation.Desire. This is what desire feels like. “Sorry, spilled my beer.” The sensual gyrations of our relationship, all bump and grind and dancing tongue, continue.

Christian frowns at me.

“Why are you frowning?”

“Sorry,” he says. Now he’s smiling. The Earth shifts on its axis, tectonic plates slide into a new position, volcanoes erupt, trains speed into tunnels and other suggestive images. My inner goddess yearns to be touched by this tragic figure with the jaw of a lumberjack and the clothes also of a lumberjack.

“Do you like my beaver?”

“Sure, but it looks a little small next to the stuffed caribou,” I say.

“Damn rodent put up a hell of a fight. I still say it was worth losing my leg.”

He picks up a riding crop and limps over. I can feel a stirring deep within me, somewhere beneath my snow pants. This feels so different than the last time, so vital, so carnal, so . . . wait, is that the “Coach’s Corner” theme?

Suddenly, Christian is on top of me. He forces something into my mouth. It’s firm, so very hard. I curl my tongue around it and instantly recognize its elegant contours.

Timbit. Chocolate glazed.

“I only had enough cash on me for day olds. Sorry.”

I surrender myself to the sweet agony, and chew.