Relationships

Sex, dementia, and consent: A delicate dance.

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Over the last year, a couple of high profile cases have drawn attention to sex in elder care homes. Many people assume that with aging, interest in sex and sexual behaviour tends to wane. While this is true for some people, many people enjoy sex into their later years.

The concern expressed recently has been around sex, dementia, and consent. There was a case earlier this year in which a man was charged (and eventually acquitted) for sexually abusing his wife, who has Alzheimer. This has started an important conversation. Time magazine recently published a piece on this issue. Here are some excerpts:

Today’s aging Americans also grew up with fewer sexual limits than earlier generations and may be unwilling to live in nursing homes that don’t accommodate their sex lives, experts say. “Let’s be real. Baby boomers brought the sexual revolution to America in the ’60s—what are they going to bring to nursing homes?” Roberta Flowers, co-director of the elder law center at Stetson University College of Law, told TIME.
But elder advocates, physicians and nursing home experts say that there is no national standard of best practices for how nursing homes should accommodate residents who are sexually active. The policies that do exist are archaic, regressive and even ageist, and do not acknowledge that nursing home residents could happily have consensual sex with each other.
[...]

The question of whether the elderly should be having sex is most troubling when it comes to dementia. But experts and elderly advocates say people with dementia are capable of consenting to sex, that they are able to express that consent, and that sex and touch can be good for them, which makes it difficult to know when it is appropriate to set limits. Hebrew Home’s policy is explicit that patients with dementia and Alzheimer’s can give consent to sex, either verbally or non-verbally.

“A 12-year-old can’t consent to sex with an adult today or tomorrow. You can’t have the same black-or-white rule for someone suffering from dementia,” said Flowers, the expert on elderly law. “Someone with dementia is not incapacitated all the time for all things. If they are not incapacitated at the moment of the sex act, they have a right to have sex.”

She added, “It’s a difficult issue and it’s not going away.”

Read the rest here.

Why men often assume women are flirting with them when they're not.

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This is a fun, science-based clip from the The New York Magazine addressing the question, why do men often assume women are flirting with them when they are not? The answer appears to be related to evolution, and a specific adaptive function.

I wonder if this would also explain why there a lot of confused (and worse, bitter) guys out there, when it comes to women?

Why do men constantly think women are flirting with them, even when they're just being polite? Turns out it has to do with evolution. Learn more in this week's animation. Read more about this research here: http://www.nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/02/why-men-always-think-women-are-flirting.html Tune in Thursdays to see new Science of Us animations!

The reality of marriage and long-term committed relationships.

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Many people enter into marriages and long-term committed relationships not realizing that it takes a lot of work. There will be times when things feel desperate, and when conflict seems to be overwhelming and insurmountable. This doesn't mean that partners love each other any less or that their relationships are doomed.

In this piece published by the New York Times, Ada Calhoun provides a reality check about marriage and long-term committed relationships, but also shares why it's all worth it. Here are some excerpts:

I want to say that one day you and your husband will fight about missed flights, and you’ll find yourself wistful for the days when you had to pay for only your own mistakes. I want to say that at various points in your marriage, may it last forever, you will look at this person and feel only rage. You will gaze at this man you once adored and think, “It sure would be nice to have this whole place to myself.”
[…]
The longer you are with someone, the more big and little “and yets” rack up. You love this person. Of course you plan to be with him or her forever. And yet forever can begin to seem like a long time. Breaking up and starting fresh, which everyone around you seems to be doing, can begin to look like a wonderful and altogether logical proposition.
But “and yet” works the other way, too. Even during the darkest moments of my own marriage, I have had these nagging exceptions. And yet, we still make each other laugh. And yet, he is still my person. And yet, I still love him.
And so you don’t break up, and you outlast some more of your friends’ marriages.
[…]
At weddings, I do not contradict my beaming newlywed friends when they talk about how they will gracefully succeed where nearly everyone in human history has floundered. I only wish I could tell them they will suffer occasionally in this marriage — and not only sitcom-grade squabbles, but possibly even dark-night-of-the-soul despair.
That doesn’t mean they are doomed to divorce, just that it’s unlikely they will be each other’s best friend every single minute forever. And that while it’s good to aim high, it’s quite probable they will let each other down many times in ways both petty and profound that in this blissful moment they can’t even fathom.
But I would go on to say (had I not by that point been thrown out of the banquet hall): Epic failure is part of being human, and it’s definitely part of being married. It’s part of what being alive means, occasionally screwing up in expensive ways. And that’s part of what marriage means, sometimes hating this other person but staying together because you promised you would. And then, days or weeks later, waking up and loving him again, loving him still.

Read the whole piece here.

 

Founder of OKCupid explains patterns in dating.

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I've posted previously about the data arm of OKCupid (the online dating site) and the many interesting findings they've published on their blog, OKTrends. In this video, the founder of OKCupid summarizes those findings. He discusses the impact of gender, race, sexual orientation, message length, and message quality on the interactions and success of site members. Additionally, he addresses the effects of physical attributes and personality factors on attraction. Check it out, via Big Think:

OkCupid founder Christian Rudder goes through some statistics he's pulled from the popular dating site. Read more at BigThink.com: http://goo.gl/O8uR Follow Big Think here: YouTube: http://goo.gl/CPTsV5 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BigThinkdotcom Twitter: https://twitter.com/bigthink Transcript: I started this whole project by looking at OkCupid and the data and writing the blog that I did, and hopefully will one day do again very soon.

Gay marriage legalized in the US

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Today is a historic day for the LGBT community and its allies. The Supreme Court of the US ruled that it is unconstitutional for states to ban same sex marriage. Essentially, this means same sex marriages are now legal across the US. Congratulations USA! And welcome to the club.

In honour of today's decision, here's a gif depicting changes in laws concerning same sex marriage, over time and location.


Animated global map of same sex marriage.

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Sadly, the blog from where it originated is gone. From the Nerd Up North:

Gay rights by jurisdiction: Civil Union (light blue), Equal Marriage (dark blue). Jurisdictions are highlighted (bright blue) in the first year of marriage equality

Here we have the first version of another animated map, this one showing marriage rights around the world. It begins in 2000 for no particular reason, other than perhaps to show which countries allowed civil unions before the first to confer marriage equality (the Netherlands, in 2001). It's noteworthy that Canada and France, among others, only began offering civil unions to gay couples in 1999.

Of course this is an imperfect map -- Argentina, for example, allowed civil unions in one state prior to marriage equality in 2010, as well as in three cities. Obviously I've chosen not to attempt to include municipal recognition of same-sex relationships as those tend to pre-date national or sub-national recognition by leaps and bounds. Australia, on the other hand, offers many of the same benefits in the states that don't allow civil unions as those that do -- it is often the case that civil unions don't confer some or even most of the rights that actual marriage provides. In Canada prior to 2005 each province had different criteria for recognizing common-law partnerships and conferred a different set of rights, even though it was a federal court ruling that began the process.

Gay rights remain controversial even in Canada, where even if it seems like the fight was over a long time ago, most of the country hasn't enjoyed marriage equality for a full decade, and LGBT people are not as of yet explicitly protected by our constitution or human rights legislation. But as this map shows, the fight for LGBT rights has marched inexorably forward, at least throughout the western world. Within the next few years, Israel or Nepal may become the first Asian nations to grant marriage equality rights, and with groundbreaking victories in Latin America in just the last three years, the tide has not only turned but accelerated; 2013 has been the biggest year for marriage equality so far.

It is interesting to compare the progression of gay rights in the countries broken down into their states and provinces on this map. Brazil and Canada saw court decisions and laws rapidly bring each from no recognition to full marriage equality within a matter of years. The United States and Australia, on the other hand, seem to make very little progression each year -- but progression nonetheless.

Of course, this map doesn't indicate the many countries where it's illegal to be gay, a handful of which even carry out the death penalty for any degree of sexual activity between members of the same sex. And there are countries where gay rights have taken major steps backwards in recent years too -- this year, Russia passed a law limiting freedom of expression and association for LGBT citizens and non-citizens alike. In fact, the Canadian government advises its LGBT citizens not to travel to Russia except for urgent business, as advocating for the advancement of gay rights or even showing PDA can now land a tourist in a Russian jail.

How many?

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From the description:

Telling someone how many people you’ve had sex with is a lot like tripping in the middle of a busy sidewalk: People might act like they couldn't care less, but deep down, everyone is judging you. A lot. Sharing "The Number" with someone can be especially awkward when you're dating them. Most people don't get aroused by the thought of their partners having sex with other people.

To the people who do: You do you -- and someone else, probably.

We managed to track down a few couples who managed to avoid this particular conversation until we thrust them in front of a camera and asked if they'd be willing to share the number of people they'd gone all the way with (only we phrased it differently because it isn't 1957).

Telling someone how many people you've had sex with is a lot like tripping in the middle of a busy sidewalk: People might act like they couldn't care less, but deep down, everyone is judging you. A lot. Sharing "The Number" with someone can be especially awkward when you're dating them.


Cheating: What's worse, emotional or sexual?

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From Science Daily:

Research on jealousy: Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity

In the largest study to date on infidelity, Chapman University has learned men and women are different when it comes to feeling jealous. In a poll of nearly 64,000 Americans this study provides the first large-scale examination of gender and sexual orientation differences in response to potential sexual versus emotional infidelity in U.S. adults.

According to the findings, heterosexual men were more likely than heterosexual women to be most upset by sexual infidelity (54 percent of men vs. 35 percent of women) and less likely than heterosexual women to be most upset by emotional infidelity (46 percent of men vs. 65 percent of women).

Participants imagined what would upset them more: their partners having sex with someone else (but not falling in love with them) or their partners falling in love with someone else (but not having sex with them). Consistent with the evolutionary perspective, heterosexual men were more likely than heterosexual women to be upset by sexual infidelity and less likely than heterosexual women to be upset by emotional infidelity. Bisexual men and women did not differ significantly. Gay men and lesbian women also did not differ.

"Heterosexual men really stand out from all other groups: they were the only ones who were much more likely to be most upset by sexual infidelity rather than emotional infidelity," said David Frederick, Ph.D., and lead author on the study. He went on to note: "The attitudes of gay, lesbian, and bisexual men and women have been historically understudied and under theorized in psychology, particularly in regards to tests of evolutionary perspectives."

Read the rest here.

Backburners.

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From Marie Claire:

Do You Have a Romantic Backburner?

If you’ve gotten past the stage of monitoring the ‘last seen’ update during flirty Whatsapp back and forths and getting your guy to be ‘in a relationship’ with you on Facebook, you’d be wrong in thinking the digital foreplay in your life, or his, is over.

According to a study from the University of Indiana, both women and men in relationships are now using Facebook and other digital media to keep in touch with exes or potential romantic partners in case their current relationships don’t work out. The study found that participants in relationships had, on average, up to two ‘back burners’ – people that they had romantic or sexual conversations with other than their current partner. Men also had twice as many back burners as women.

The opportunities to chat to anyone you might potentially be interested in are so abundant and accessible that it’s easy to slip into a situation that is essentially emotional cheating or digital infidelity.

In an article in the Washington Post journalist Caitlin Dewey notes that the strength of a relationship relies on three things: emotional investment, satisfaction and the availability of other partners. The world of digital networks means that we’re all connected to more potential partners than ever before, which means that relationships are tested more than ever.

But this doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will leave as soon as someone better comes along. The study found no correlation between the existence of back burners and partners’ commitment to relationships. Perhaps this is just a new form of emotional security that will become, if it hasn’t already, a normal part of our lives. On the other hand, as if relationships were not difficult enough to maintain already, it’s one more challenge to overcome.

More about the same study at The Atlantic.

One third of American marriages begin online.

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From USA Today (published last year):

Study: More Than A Third Of New Marriages Start Online by Sharon Jayson

More than a third of recent marriages in the USA started online, according to a study out Monday that presents more evidence of just how much technology has taken hold of our lives.

[…]

The research, based on a survey of more than 19,000 individuals who married between 2005 and 2012, also found relationships that began online are slightly happier and less likely to split than those that started offline.

Findings, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, put the percentage of married couples that now meet online at almost 35% -- which gives what may be the first broad look at the overall percentage of new marriages that result from meeting online. About 45% of couples met on dating sites; the rest met on online social networks, chat rooms, instant messaging or other online forums.

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While Cacioppo is a noted researcher and the study is in a prestigious scientific journal, it is not without controversy. It was commissioned by the dating website eHarmony, according to the study's conflict of interest statement. Company officials say eHarmony paid Harris Interactive $130,000 to field the research. Cacioppo has been a member of eHarmony's Scientific Advisory Board since it was created in 2007. In addition, former eHarmony researcher Gian Gonzaga is one of the five co-authors.

[…]

"It's a very impressive study," says social psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill. "But it was paid for by somebody with a horse in the race and conducted by an organization that might have an incentive to tell this story.

"Does this study suggest that meeting online is a compelling way to meet a partner who is a good marriage prospect for you? The answer is 'absolutely,'" he says. But it's "premature to conclude that online dating is better than offline dating."

Read the whole thing here.

Film: Her.

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More info about the movie, which was written and directed by Spike Jonze:

Set in the Los Angeles of the slight future, the story follows Theodore Twombly, a complex, soulful man who makes his living writing touching, personal letters for other people. Heartbroken after the end of a long relationship, he becomes intrigued with a new, advanced operating system, which promises to be an intuitive entity in its own right, individual to each user. Upon initiating it, he is delighted to meet "Samantha," a bright, female voice, who is insightful, sensitive and surprisingly funny. As her needs and desires grow, in tandem with his own, their friendship deepens into an eventual love for each other.

It's been reviewed very favourably. The trailer:

http://www.joblo.com - "Her" - Official Trailer Set in Los Angeles, slightly in the future, "her" follows Theodore Twombly, a complex, soulful man who makes his living writing touching, personal letters for other people. Heartbroken after the end of a long relationship, he becomes intrigued with a new, advanced operating system, which promises to be an intuitive entity in its own right, individual to each user.