Humour Etc.

Poisoning by vagina.

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From the Huffington Post:

Vagina 'Murder Plot': Brazilian Man Accuses Wife Of Poisoning Her Private Parts To Kill Him

A Brazilian man has accused his wife of trying to kill him by putting poison in her vagina and inviting him to have oral sex with her.

The man - identified only as a 43-year-old from Sao de Jose Rio Preto - realised something was afoot when he noticed a strange odour coming from his wife's private parts, Portuguese news outlet tvi24 said.

Concerned, he took her to hospital, whereupon she confessed to the nefarious plan,Argentinian newspaper La Razon claims.

Tests apparently revealed the woman had placed enough of the unnamed poison in her vagina to kill both her and her husband. She has since received medical treatment, although sources claim her husband plans to sue her for attempted murder.

Regiaonoroeste.com says the incident was reported to police where officer Walter Colacino Junior has ordered further investigation of the "unusual" nature of the case before action is taken.

Davey Wavey: Gay Things Straight Guys Do.

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Straight guys do a lot of things that are really, really gay. These are those things. Davey's pink "kween" tank top and other Davey Wavey apparel: http://daveywavey.acmeprints.com/ Like Davey Wavey on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DaveyWaveyOfficial Davey Wavey tumblr: http://www.thedaveywaveyofficial.tumblr.com Davey on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/OfficialDaveyWavey Davey's Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/TheDaveyWavey Davey's second YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/DaveyWaveyRaw Davey's Fitness YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/DaveyWaveyFitness Davey's fitness blog: http://www.daveywaveyfitness.com Davey's Website: http://www.daveywavey.tv Mail me: Davey Wavey, Inc.

The Onion: Victoria's Secret.

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Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Viewers who have never seen nor heard of the concept of pornography provided a massive ratings bump for this year's lingerie fashion show. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

For those that don't know already know, The Onion is a satirical news site.

The Fifty Shades Generator.

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Someone very clever has created the Fifty Shades Generator, mocking the horrible writing that characterizes the books. From the website:

The Fifty Shades Generator is a breakthrough in erotic fiction. At the click of a button, it generates world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary.

[...]

Fledgling authors! Spice up your otherwise lacklustre novel with graphic sex scenes guaranteed to get your readers hot under the collar, and slightly sick in their mouths. If you end up winning a big literary award, we'll split the prize money 50/50, yeah? Wire transfer is fine.

When you visit and refresh the homepage (link), it produces an epic new paragraph. This is what I was provided when I visited the site:

I can't wait to chow down on the creamy load from his ocean's 11 inches. Hours of pounding like this would leave any girl's vertical smile looking like a rabid baboon's arse, and I was no different! It was bliss having his master of ceremonies stuffed inside me again; stuffing my tampon tunnel with a squash just didn't get my pink velvet sausage wallet squirting like it used to. The mixture of Mr. Hanky and cock snot in my shit winker created the delicious sphincter sauce that he was so fond of. With his ample cock slamming deep into my meat purse, the sensation of his chorizo howitzer smashing my cervix made me quake like Muhammad Ali on a tumble dryer.

Fans of the site have started submitting their readings of the generated text. Here is a compilation that was posted on the main page (NSFW!):

Reading fiftyshadesgenerator.com at work. If you like this please subscribe! More to come!


The homosexual agenda.

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The Betty Bowers site is satirical commentary on what's been called the gay or homosexual agenda by social conservatives. The contention is that the gay community, and those who support it, is trying to infiltrate all aspects of society in attempt to normalize non-heterosexual sexual orientations. This includes indoctrinating school-ages children and influencing Hollywood's programming. I've posted some other satire about it before (link).

From her site:

As every Christian knows, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, of course, not talking about Satan. I'm talking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they give otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect décor those fabulous flourishes that elude our more predictable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what price? In exchange for a little panache, we allow homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marriages. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan -- The Homosexual Agenda!
Many a well-intentioned person has asked me, "Betty, what exactly is The Homosexual Agenda?" Well, if you have to ask, you are probably already under its pernicious influence and blithely hop-scotching your way straight to Hell. Nevertheless, the details of The Homosexual Agenda have -- up until this day -- been kept more secret than the nature of John Travolta's and Tom Cruise's marriages. But I am pleased to announce that through innumerable free vodka sea-breezes and some artful Christian skullduggery, I have gotten my hands on an authentic copy of The Homosexual Agenda. Praise the Lord!
I have had my secretaries, Miss Anne Thrope and Anita Priceczech, transcribe The Homosexual Agenda from the back of a used cocktail napkin (the original is to be placed in the Smithsonian Institute) for your convenient reference. Never again shall we be surprised by what these malevolent Nancy Boys are up to. While they may still be able to surprise us with a cunningly perfect piece of Chinese porcelain for our Biederimeier end-table, they will never again be able to surreptitiously take over our culture, families and prime-time television without God-fearing Christians being one step ahead of them! Praise the Lord!
And a sample from the agenda:
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.
9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.

See the rest of the agenda here.